The Wrong Trousers
by Cherubic Sasami
Summary: What happens when Heero is forced to wear Duo's clothes? Will he avoid being blackmailed for the rest of his life? Divided into 4 parts due to length. Rated PG13 for a little language and shonen-ai and shoujo-ai(please note that if the latter bothers you
1. Double Stuffs and Patrick Duffey

Legal Crap: I don't own any of the G-boys (though I like to think I have stock in Duo...). They belong to their rightful owners (can we say leash laws?). I also do not own the title of this fanfic. I stole it from an episode of Wallace and Gromit (by far one of the best clay-mation cartoons), but I thought it fit. I don't own Step by Step or Double-stuff Oreos (but I do have a stash...) either. I do, however, own my thoughts, ideas, and anything else no one else has copyrighted so don't steal any of that stuff without asking. So please, enjoy the fic! ~ Cherubic Sasami   
  
The Wrong Trousers  
Act I: Double Stuff Oreos and Patrick Duffey*  
  
It was a normal day at Winner mansion. (Well, normal on a G-boy's standards...) Wufei was cursing at nothing in particular, Quatre was reading, Trowa was watching Quatre read, and Duo and Heero were on the couch watching 'Step by Step' reruns.   
  
Out of no where Duo pulled out a bag of double-stuff Oreos and began inhaling the creamy, white filling (why eat the cookie when the sugar's all in the middle?) He looked over at his as-much-fun-as-a-hermit-crab partner. "Hey Heero, want one?"  
  
"I'm not allowed to have sugar..." Heero mumbled under his breath.  
Duo laughed. "Why?"  
"Relena thinks I'm hyperactive," Heero groaned, holding up a bottle of Ritalin.  
'Now there's the medical mistake of the century,' Duo thought. Duo smiled mischievously. "Don't worry buddy, there's no sugar in Oreos!" Duo handed one to the Wing pilot. Heero inspected it, hoping to find some sort of poison that would free him from watching any more of Patrick Duffey's* wild antics. Upon eating it, Heero's eyes lit up. He grabbed the bag and began to inhale what cookies Duo had left.  
  
"That'll get your motor going, neh?" Duo asked, grinning from ear to ear. Before Heero could reply, Duo grabbed him and dragged him upstairs.  
  
"Damn it!" yelled Wufei. "It's bad enough they kept me up all last night, but tonight too? INJUSTICE! I'm going over to Treize's house." Wufei went out the front door, slamming it so hard, he broke the doorknob.  
  
Quatre and Trowa were left alone. Quatre kept staring at his book (he hadn't turned a page in hours!) and Trowa kept staring at him. Quatre looked up at Trowa, seizing the opportunity to make conversation.  
  
"Trowa, want to go do something?"  
"..."  
"I don't feel like cooking tonight, want to go out to eat?"  
"..."  
"Um, want to watch TV? I think Heero and Duo left some Double-Stuff Oreos on the couch..."  
"..."  
Quatre gave up. 'Nothing happening tonight, nothing happening any night...' He thought and went back to staring at the same page he'd been staring at for hours.   
  
*~* The next morning... *~*  
  
Heero woke up in Duo's bed, sore, with Duo underarm. His head still hurt from the crazed sugar-rush he'd gone through the night before. He pulled the mini-Deathsythe covers off and trudged over to the trunk where he kept some of his clothes. To his surprise, it was empty. Grabbing Duo's black-satin robe, he stumbled over to his own room. All he could find were some old sweat-socks that reeked of Wufei's BO. He growled and walked back to Duo's room. By this time, Duo was up and out of bed, brushing his meter-long hair.   
  
"Where are my clothes?" Heero hissed.  
"What do you mean?" Duo asked innocently.  
"Where did all my clothes go?" Heero repeated, giving Duo a death glare.  
"Hm..." Duo replied, rubbing his chin. "Oh yeah, you don't remember?"  
"Remember what?"  
"You threw them all out the window last night. You said you'd never need clothes again!"  
Heero sweatdropped but continued to glare at Duo.   
"Don't worry buddy! I've got plenty of clothes that we can share."  
"There's no way in hell I'm going to be caught in your ugly collar and aviator pants."  
"Do you have much of a choice?"  
Heero grabbed the clothes from Duo. "I'll go out and buy some new clothes. In the mean time, these will suffice..."   
"Great! We'll be like twins!"  
Heero thought about this last statement. "No we won't. First of all, you're not coming with me. Second, you can not even leave this room till you hear the closing of the front door. Got it?"  
Duo stuck out his lower lip. "Fine, but its not my fault you decided you wanted to be naked the rest of your life!"  
  
Heero exited the room, slamming the door behind him. As he crept downstairs, he noticed he didn't hear the usual sounds of Wufei's cursing, Quatre's pleading him not to curse, and Trowa's silence. 'They must have all gone out,' Heero thought. 'Or maybe they're waiting for me to come downstairs to laugh at me.' He readied his gun, just incase.  
  
When he got downstairs, it was pretty much as it had been last night (minus Wufei). Quatre was still staring at the same page, Trowa was staring at him, and Rashid was fixing the doorknob to the front door. Instead of bringing attention to himself by asking what happened, he decided he'd go out the back. 'Duo's pretty smart, he'll figure out to come out after a while...'  
  
Up in Duo's room, Duo waited for the signal to come down. 'I hope he leaves soon, I really have to go to the bathroom...'  
  
Will Duo ever be able to come down? Will Heero ever find some new clothes? Will Quatre ever turn the page? Find out on the next act of The Wrong Trousers. Act II: The Joys of Wearing the Collar.  
  
*~*~*  
  
*For those who don't know, Patrick Duffey played the father on Step by Step. I never really liked that show, but I always used to watch it so I could make fun of him. Makes sense, neh?  
So what'd you think? This was the first fic I ever wrote (not posted, wrote). Please, review!  



	2. The Joy of Wearing the Collar

Legal crap: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. I do, however, own my thoughts, so don't steal them!  
  
The Wrong Trousers  
Act II: The Joys of Wearing the Collar  
  
Heero walked down the sidewalk. It was going to be a while till he reached The Green Tank Top and Spandex Short Store. It would've been easier if he'd taken the car, but Quatre always had the keys and wasn't about to bring attention to his attire. On his way, he passed a church. Outside, a frazzled nun seemed to be looking for someone. Suddenly, upon spying Heero, she perked up and ran over to him.  
  
"Thank the good Lord I finally found you! The line was starting to get very long and I was running out of excuses!" the nun said, smiling.  
Heero was confused. "I think you have the wrong person..."  
"Don't be silly, Father. No come on, the crowd is getting anxious."  
"Father? What are you talking about?"  
The nun pointed to Heero's (or Duo's) collar. "Father Maxwell, have you forgotten? You're supposed to do confessions today!"  
It suddenly hit Heero. All those times Duo had to leave early on Sunday, claiming he had some errands to run, he was really doing confessions claiming he was a priest! Heero raised an eyebrow. Maybe this outfit did come with advantages...  
The nun showed Heero to his side of the booth. Immediately, someone stepped in the other side.  
  
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," the person said, mechanically. The person paused, waiting for a response.  
"Ugh, what'd you do?"  
"I lied."  
"So?"  
"Tell me what to do to relieve my conscience."  
"Hmm," Heero thought about the possibilities. He never realized that whatever he told these people to do, they'd gladly obey. "Go and shave your head," he said, saying the first thing he could think of saying.  
"Why?"  
"Because I said so, next!"  
  
He heard the person leave the booth and another person come in. The person sat down. "Father, I did a bad thing," the female voice said, obviously not knowing the routine.  
Heero had heard that voice before. Yes, it was a very familiar voice indeed. Then, he realized who it was. It was Relena. "What'd you do?" Heero asked, wondering how evil a pacifist could really be.  
"I had sexual relations with another woman," Relena mumbled, obviously embarrassed.  
Heero, seizing the opportunity to take advantage of Relena's cluelessness, decided to find out more. "Does this woman have a name?"  
"Yes... but I thought this was supposed to be confidential!"  
"It is! I won't tell anyone."  
"Her name is... Dorothy Catalonia."  
'Sick,' Heero thought to himself. He shuddered.   
"So what should I do?" Relena pleaded.  
"Blow up a colony," Heero replied. He had to test out just how powerful these suggestions really were.  
"But I'm a pacifist!" Relena cried.  
"Hey! Do you want to be purified or what?"  
"Yes, I do..."  
"Then blow up the colony!"  
"Fine. Thank you Father."  
Relena left the booth and another person came in. Heero continued like this all morning, totally forgetting the fact that he was wearing Duo's clothes and concentrating on manipulating people. 'Life is sweet,' Heero thought, smiling for the first time in years.   
  
*~* Back at the Winner Mansion... *~*  
  
"Heero, you baka! Please leave soon so I can go to the bathroom!" Duo whimpered, dancing around his room.   
Downstairs, Quatre and Trowa continue their endless silence...  
  
Will Relena blow up a colony? Will Heero make it to the store without getting embarrassed? Will Duo make it to the bathroom? Find out in Act III: Cutting it Close  
  
*~*~*  
  
So... what'd you think? Please review! Send all comments, questions, and CONTRUCTIVE criticisms to Sasami211@japan.com. Don't delay review today!  



	3. Cutting it Close

Legal: Same as always. I own nothing, I don't claim to own anything. Leave me be.   
  
The Wrong Trousers  
Part III: Cutting it Close  
  
The sun started to go down as Heero continued walking down the street. It was only a few more blocks till he reached The Green Tanktop and Spandex Short Store and he was in no real hurry. After telling countless people to shave their heads, streak naked through the streets and blow up a couple colonies, the whole day was looking pretty bright. To make the day even better, he'd been able to avoid seeing anyone he knew.  
  
Until suddenly, he heard a voice shouting at him from behind. "Duo! Hey Duo!" The voice called.  
'Duo?' He thought. 'I guess their shouting at me...' He turned around to see Hilde running down the street. 'Uh oh. My cover is about to be blown. Hilde will see this and tell everyone!' But before he could explain himself, Hilde glomped him.   
"Duo! I've missed you so much! We haven't talked in the longest time! You didn't tell me you cut your hair. I'm so proud of you!" Hilde kissed the unsuspecting Heero on the cheek.   
"Uh... I..." Heero stammered for what to say. 'What do I do? Should I just let her sit here and make a fool of herself? Is she really that oblivious that she thinks I'm Duo, or is she just waiting for the right time to humiliate me?'   
  
"You don't need to explain Duo! In fact, I'll treat you to a nice dinner!" Hilde grabbed Heero's (Duo's) collar and began dragging him down the street.   
'Now I see why Duo likes her,' Heero thought, 'they're two of the same...' He sweatdropped, remembering all the times Duo had dragged him places in such a manner. Finally, Hilde stopped in front of Chez Americaine, a fancy american style... steak house.   
"Here we are, Duo sweetie! Your favorite!"  
Heero attempted to make a Duo-style smile. It didn't work very well, but Hilde didn't even seem to notice that her dining partner was strangely quiet and morose. 'Oh well,' Heero thought, 'at least I'll get a free meal out of this...'  
  
Inside, it seemed like your typical expensive restaurant. Crystal chandeliers, violin players, everything seemed to be pretty standard. Well, until you looked at the people who were dining there... Red-necked hillbillies in tuxedoes and puffy Relena-style pinky dresses packed the elegant dining room. PWTs* stuffing their face full of prime rib and "hog on a stick" while shouting things such as "Monsoor, git yer lil frenchy butt o'er here so we's can all order!". Yes, this restaurant screamed Duo.  
"Mr. French Guy!" Hilde yelled, sounding at home in this strange rogue's gallery restaurant. "Me and my here boyfriend wants our usual table!"   
"Right this way, mademoiselle," the French waiter replied.   
  
Hilde continued to drag Heero to the table at the back of the restaurant. "Maersi," Hilde said, giggling. They sat down and looked at the menu. Things like "Lamb o'cobob" and "The Road Kill Special" seemed very out of sync with prices like 100 and 150 dollars.   
"So, what're you gonna have Duo?" Hilde asked.   
"Ugh, I think I'll have the "Finger Lickin' Chicken"," said Heero, figuring that was the most normal thing on the menu.   
Hilde shot him a funny look. "I thought you didn't like chicken. At least, that's what you told me last winter when I said I'd make you some chicken soup."  
Heero was trapped. 'Blow my cover, or ruin Duo's love life?' The answer was pretty simple. "I don't like your chicken soup," Heero said coldly.  
Hilde began to cry. "I was just trying to be nice Duo! Why do you always have to be so mean to me! Wah!"  
  
Heero looked for some sort of distraction. Suddenly, he spotted it. A few tables over, Wufei and Treize were conversing over a tub of greasy, fried chicken. Trying to sound as much like Duo as possible, Heero shouted out, "Hey Wu-man! Wanna share?"  
Heero couldn't see Wufei's face, but judging by Trieze's expression, Wufei was pissed as hell. As the Nataku pilot turned around, Heero could see his beady eyes, bright with anger. Wufei walked over.   
"WHAT did you call me, Maxwell?" Wufei growled.  
Heero grinned, in Duo's usual impish grin. "I called you Wu-man, wu-man."  
"That's it!" Wufei screeched. "You are so dead."  
Trieze decided to step in before someone knocked over his bucket of chicken. "Stop it Wufei. Just ignore him and he'll go away." Trieze grabbed Wufei's clenched fist.   
  
Wufei began to calm down. 'No way,' Heero thought. 'I made this distraction and you're not going to stop it.' Feeling suddenly inspired, Heero stuck out his tongue at Wufei.   
Wufei's face turned bright red. Breaking away from Trieze's weak grasp, he attacked Heero. Grabbing Hilde's wrist, Heero quickly ran out of the restaurant.   
Hilde's eyes were filled with stars. "Oh Duo, you were so brave back there! The way you... uh... stuck out your tongue at him, it was perfect! Well, I'd better be going. Thanks for a great meal!" Hilde kissed Heero's cheek and ran down the street.  
'Baka onna,' Heero thought. 'Doesn't remember the fight or the fact that we didn't stay long enough to eat anything. He continued his walk down the street. Oh well, guess I won't be getting a free meal today...'  
  
*~* Back at Winner Mansion... *~*  
  
Quatre looked up from page 1 of his book he'd "began" the night before. "Have you noticed it's been strangely quiet around here?"  
"..."  
"Do you think Heero and Duo are... uh... injured?"  
"..."  
  
*~* Up in Duo's Room... *~*  
  
'Heero, please hurry,' Duo whimpered in agony. 'I knew I shouldn't have had all the wine...'  
  
Will Heero ever make it to the Green Tank Top and Spandex Shorts Store? Will Wufei ever figure out who REALLY beat him up? Will Duo make it to the bathroom in time? Find out in the next part of the Wrong Trousers: Part IV: Waiting for... tomorrow  
  
*~*~*  
  
*PWT = Poor White Trash Yes, I know this is a derogatory term, but I couldn't help myself. I was at a loss for words... -_-;;   
You like? You no like? Tell me! Email me with all comments, questions, and CONSTRUCTIVE criticisms at Sasami211@japan.com. Ja ne!  



	4. Waiting for... tomorrow

Legal: (sigh) Do I REALLY need to do this again? I own nothing. Go chase an ambulance.  
  
The Wrong Trousers  
Part IV: Waiting for... tomorrow  
  
By the time Heero reached The Green Tank Top and Spandex Shorts Store, it was 10:30. Heero grunted as he looked at the closed sign on the door. 'Since when does Dr. J close up shop at 10:30?' He reflected. 'Oh well, guess I'll be spending tonight outside.' He went to grab a sleeping bag out of spandex space*, but suddenly remembered the purpose for his outing. So instead, he lay down on the pavement and decided to sleep till the shop opened in the morning.   
  
*~* The next morning...*~*  
  
Heero woke up to someone kicking him in the ribs. "No Duo, not now," he groaned. "I'm still sore from last night..." He sat up with a jolt. This wasn't Duo's bed. Duo wasn't even here. Instead, he was sitting on the pavement outside The Green Tank Top and Spandex Shorts Store while Dr. J was kicking him.  
  
"Damn," Dr. J grunted. "I thought you were finally dead- I mean, I'm so glad your not dead!"  
Heero mumbled something about future assassination and walked into the store. He bought 365 green tank tops, 365 pairs of spandex shorts and called it a day. 'This should do me for the next year.'   
  
He ran into the dressing room and changed into one of his outfits. As he walked down the street, he saw Wufei frantically running around, frothing at the mouth.   
"Where's Maxwell?" Wufei screamed, ripping out his ponytail.  
"What?"  
"Where's that little freak who tried to mess with me! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!"  
"Uh, I don't know, maybe he's back at the house..."  
Without saying anything, Wufei bolted back toward Winner mansion. 'For his sake, I hope Duo isn't home.'  
Afraid of feeling a little guilty for Duo's destruction (besides the fact that he faced being alone in bed forever), Heero ran after Wufei.  
  
*~* Back at Winner Mansion... *~*  
  
Wufei slammed the front door, breaking the new doorknob. All he found was Quatre at the table, staring at page one of his book, and Trowa staring at Quatre. No Duo, no action, nothing had changed. "Where's Maxwell?" Wufei growled.   
Quatre looked up and thought for a moment. "Haven't seen him all day. I guess he's out."  
  
Wufei did a Xena war cry and ran out the door, knocking it off its hinges. Quatre sighed. Having Wufei in the house was getting expensive. Heero walked through the door. "Where's Duo?"  
"Why is everyone looking for Duo today? Honestly, I haven't seen him at all. Actually, I never saw you leave. For I all I know, he could still be in his room."  
Heero rolled his eyes. 'Okay, so maybe Duo's wasn't smart enough to just come downstairs.' He walked up the stairs and opened the door to Duo's room. Inside, Duo had made quite a mess. The floor was a mess, the shelves had been knocked down, the whole room resembled a room containing a lone puppy. In the middle of the war zone stood Duo, royal blue eyes bright and happy from all the destruction he'd caused.  
  
"What happened?" Heero asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"If I can't destroy people, I feel the need to destroy things," Duo smiled, cocking his head.   
Heero took a long whiff of the air around him and grimaced. "What's that smell?"   
Duo instantly turned red. "Heh... heh... I must have... uh, knocked over some old after-shave."  
"But you don't shave..."  
"Hilde likes the way it smells."  
"Right," Heero muttered. He knew what had happened. After 2 bottles of wine and 26 hours of staying in a room, it was pretty obvious.  
  
Suddenly, hysterical laughter was heard from downstairs. "Hey Heero! Relena's on TV!" Quatre called up the stairs.  
"Relena?"   
Heero grabbed Duo and dragged him downstairs. Yup, it was Relena all right.  
"In a freak event," the newscaster reported, "the ruler of the Cinq Kingdom and former World leader, Relena Peacecraft has been taken into custody after attempting to blow up a colony."  
"Blow up a colony?" Duo repeated. "Why would she try to do that?"  
"In a recent interview, Ms. Peacecraft states that it 'The Lord made her do it' and that her actions were 'the will of God'. Despite many firm followers' arguments that Ms. Peacecraft is simply acting the same as Joan of Arc, she will be tried in the court of law..."  
Everyone in the room was dumbfounded. Well, all but Heero. 'Oh the joy of wearing the wrong trousers...'  
  
The End!!!!  
  
*~*~*  
  
*Spandex space is a term I use to describe how Heero suddenly pulls guns out of no where. I think there's a black hole in there, but that's another fic/rant entirely ^_^;;  
  
Do you like it? Review! Send all comments, questions and CONSTRUCTIVE criticisms to Sasami211@japan.com Ja ne!  
  



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